Holy Spirit, I’ll start today’s post like I do every other–in thanksgiving for all that you’ve taught me in the few short years that I’ve known you. I’m so thankful that you reached my heart that day in a gym bathroom, and poured out your Spirit on my flesh. I thank you for filling me to overflowing, and for the ability to hold the Creator of the universe within my own body. What an honor. I praise you that because you started me on that journey 5 years ago, that you’ve brought so many answered prayers, more blessings, more favor, more grace, more peace to my life than I could have ever imagined. I’m so thankful that when I told you I didn’t want to do this “Christianity thing” anymore, that you knew my heart’s desire was to know who you TRULY were, not what others said you were. I thank you that you desired relationship with me before you even created this Earth. Praise God that you had such a beautiful plan of restoration. Thank you for sending Jesus, and thank you for fulfilling every prophecy of the Old Testament with his life, death, and resurrection. All glory is yours, Father, amen.
The end of each year always brings so much reflection of that year for me. Some years allow more time to reflect than others, and some slip by so quickly that I’m left wondering what I accomplished that year. This year, however, after bringing my son into the world, left me with a lot of reflecting as 2021 came to a close. But not just on the year, all the trials and tribulations, the blessings upon blessings, but also on the years that brought me to this season of my life. I remember being newlywed, so excited and doe eyed for the future (well…I’ve not really lost that doe eyed excitement), and so eager to start my life. I remember moving out West for a couple of years and struggling to find a church home. I remember going through a couple of really, excruciatingly broken churches, and finally telling the Lord that if this was all there was to Christianity, I wanted no part of it. In no less than 3 churches there I’d seen more lost souls that were convinced they were saved, still bathing in sin, and basking in shame and guilt. Homosexuals, sex addicts, alcoholics, physical abusers, insecure and identity crisis filled broken souls. I remember being in shock at how many broken people we encountered in these churches…and how the churches were handling them. Placing them in “Recovery Groups” and telling them that they’d be like this for the rest of their lives. That this was who they are, and that Jesus came and died for them, but that they’ll just strive the rest of their days to be perfect, knowing they’ll never attain it. I remember having some of the hardest, most heartbreaking conversations with these people who saw no freedom in their lives, and wondered if they were ever going to be good enough for God.
Man, that so broke my heart. I remember digging deep in the Word, and looking all over the internet for anything to give them that would point them back to Jesus. I had no idea what to give them, I just knew in my heart of hearts that what they were being told was wrong. That Jesus didn’t come and die for them to be stuck and drowning in life. But I had no answers, no knowledge, no personal relationship with God myself. And finally, it broke me. I didn’t want to pursue Christianity anymore if this was all there was to Christianity: going to church on Sundays, listening to a message, and going home to live the rest of my week out of my flesh and own doing. I finally told the Lord, “Lord, if this is all there is to Christianity, then I want no part of it. I’m not doing this anymore, and unless you show me what Jesus REALLY died for, and what the purpose of everything I’ve ever been taught is, I’m not doing this.” And, of course, like God always does, He listened and responded. See, what I haven’t told you yet is that my dad was dealing with an issue that had gone on for 7 years with no healing or recovery. In fact, it had consistently gotten worse over 7 years. To the point that my family was on their knees begging God to help us figure out how to help him, what to do.
A few days after my declaration to the Lord, my dad calls me as I’m driving through Dallas, TX (where we lived at the time).
“Hey honey, how are you? I wanted to let you know the Lord healed me three days ago, and I’m doing incredibly well. I was listening to a healing teaching on TV that I stumbled across, and I received my healing. Oh! And the ministry that put out this teaching is 15 minutes from your house in Dallas, you should check it out sometime soon!”
I remember being stunned. I remember asking the Lord, “Could you be answering me this quickly, and this easily?” My husband and I attended the church of the ministry my dad spoke of that following Sunday. We walked in and sat down to listen to a teaching that was different than anything I’d ever heard. The speaker taught about healing, and about how it was always God’s will for us to be healed. That Jesus’ death on the cross atoned for all sin–sickness, disease, and death fell under that category. And that meant that we didn’t have to accept sickness in our bodies. Our right as heirs and children of the Kingdom of Heaven meant we had a right to walk like Jesus did on this earth. He quoted scripture that says, “I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father.” (John 14:12) He gave healing testimonies, and encouraging words about what it meant to be a New Man (or New Creation) in Christ, and what it took to walk in that new identity (renewing your mind to the Word). And at every word he spoke, a small spark inside of me began to ignite and burn brighter and brighter. I remember thinking “this is it, this is what I’ve been looking for”. And it began this hunger in me for all things of God, to begin to learn about who He is, and what He wants for me.
That hunger still burns in me. It waxes and wanes in different seasons depending on what He’s teaching me, but that hunger never leaves me. There’s such a deep desire within me to please God. To know that I’m doing the right thing day in and day out, to walk upright, holy, and live righteous. I can’t describe it outside of just being thankful that the infinite Creator of the universe loved me so much that he sacrificed His own son, sending him to become man, human, finite, on this earth to take my place on a tree and atone for all the sins of the world. And that thankfulness drives me to want to be His hands and feet to all of His children. He spilt his blood to wash me clean, and his blood has a voice in the spirit realm, one that speaks louder than that of bulls and goats. His blood speaks that every sin has been paid, and that the enemy can no longer touch me, or my family, because the Holy Spirit lives in me, and because Jesus’ blood covers me. Man, you want to talk about an image of the ultimate sacrifice and redemption of the world. That Jesus’ blood still speaks to this day, and that all of the universe abides by the laws that the Father created before the invention of the earth. And Jesus’ blood is the answer to the Israelites cry for years and years for a Savior. That as they sacrificed their precious, beloved pets on an altar to atone for their sins, they waited in joyful expectation of a Savior who could atone for those sins so that the enemy no longer had a right to touch them, to accuse them before the Father. That when the enemy now accuses us, all that he sees and that heaven sees is Jesus’ blood on us.
These realities, these little knowledge nuggets of Truth changed my life. They began to create in me this desire for more and more of God in my life. And yet, as I studied the Word, I began to see that Jesus had already given me everything I will ever need to be successful in this life when he gave me the Holy Spirit. I just had to learn how to use the tools that He’d given me, and learn about who He actually created me to be. I still hunger for more and more of Him, but that hunger has shifted to hungering for more of his character traits in my life. Like stewardship, intentionality, being purposeful with my time and efforts, listening well, disciplining myself. I could go on, but you get the gist. And so, as I’ve reflected on how I got here, I’ve been remembering all that God brought me through to get to this place. From my husband and I striving to figure this faith walk out together, to relocating to Birmingham and finally finding our church home, to growing in leadership and being grown and matured in our faiths (not fully, but growing still). And it just leaves me grateful for the years of learning and being hungry, and God molding me into the woman I am today. I couldn’t have entered motherhood without those years. I wouldn’t have been ready. I wouldn’t have had grace–for myself, Judah, or J.T. I wouldn’t have learned some of the vital lessons God needed me to learn to be ready for THIS season.
And now, as I enter 2022, I can’t help but be joyful and full of expectation at what this year will bring. Within motherhood, business, ministry, and personal goals, I know the Lord is faithful to his Word, and that He will complete his finished work in me. I hope you get to spend some time reflecting on this last year, and the years that have brought you to where you are. I hope you get to remember the good and the hard times of your faith journey, and are brought just as much joy and thankfulness as I am in remembering how far God has brought me. You have an amazing journey ahead of you, and you will walk out the destiny He has for you. I just know it.
All my love, Abbey
Spirit Filled Mama 