Holy Spirit, I thank you for giving me the gift of writing. I’m so grateful for the teachers, counselors, and friends you’ve placed in my life to encourage the gifts you’ve given me. I thank you for the ones who sowed words of wisdom and knowledge into me about writing that didn’t even know it was in my heart. And I thank you for bringing those words full circle by encouraging me to start this blog. Forgive me for procrastinating in writing, and forgive me for running from opportunities to utilize my gifts for the world around me. Use me, Oh God, for your kingdom, and for the advancement of your Gospel around this earth. I praise you for every single woman (and man) reading this blog, and that at the reading of these words they are instantly blessed with every spiritual blessing in heavenly places. I thank you for full protection over their households, their families, and their loved ones. I thank you for peace that reigns supreme in their households, and that they seek you first in their hearts and lives to lead their households well. Bless all the mamas (and dads) with rich, deep sleep, and all the coffee they’ll ever need.
I’ve spent the last few weeks procrastinating writing this post. I’ve used work, Judah, and bouts of sickness to delay me posting. I’ve felt, truthfully, somewhat unmotivated…yet with this constant thought in the back of my mind as I neared each Thursday that I needed to get in the secret place, and begin to write from my time in that place. (The secret place is me holed up in my bedroom with Jesus and no one else.) For some reason, each Thursday just felt like I was supposed to be writing. Maybe it was because it’s been J.T.’s time to watch the Outdoor channel, and I don’t feel guilty for not spending time with him when he’s enjoying his hunting shows. Or maybe it’s because Thursday technically signifies the end of my work week, and I feel relaxed as I enter the next week. Or maybe it’s just simply because the Lord has been asking me to dedicate Thursday evenings to him, and I’ve been ignoring him. Whatever the case, here I am on a Thursday, writing this out and praising God for holding me accountable to my procrastinating tendencies.
As I pondered what to write about tonight, I immediately stopped and reminded myself that the Holy Spirit would guide this blog. I feel as if I should just share with you what the last couple of months have looked like as the Lord has been developing J.T. and I both individually and collectively. We’ve been dedicating a couple of Sundays a month to some in depth mentoring by a beloved coach of ours, as well as gearing up for the next season of Activate Wednesday’s that will begin in March. For the last two years we’ve taught Forever Free (a small group/course on real freedom found in Christ) almost every semester. We went through 2-3 semesters of it under the same beloved coach and experienced radical change in our lives. I won’t speak for J.T., but I personally found freedom from the need to always be right, and the need to always know that I’m right. This was only the tip of the iceberg, however, and the Lord began to work on me from within on the areas of my life I hadn’t previously taken a look at. The fear of J.T. one day waking up and no longer loving me, the fear that I’d never walk in the calling God had on my life, the fear that I’d never hear his voice for myself, and other issues that I’ve dealt with without realizing until the Lord gently started spotlighting these issues.
After two years of some radical changes in J.T. and I through Forever Free, we were approached with leading Forever Free ourselves. We started teaching, and it began to develop leadership skills in us we didn’t realize initially, but now can see the fruits of in our lives. We began to understand our new identity in Christ by being led through Forever Free, but we began walking out our new identity by teaching Forever Free. I can’t express enough the growth that God did in us, but we’re still reaping the benefits of those seasons of teaching today. So, as we pressed into the Lord about what to do this semester, we felt a different tug. We weren’t to lead Forever Free this time, we were to take a season and be led again. We were to step under the covering of a counselor who was guiding through their own experiences, and mentoring us through their own faith walk. We’ve decided to also attempt to be at each weekly Activate Wednesday, and really hone in on those two things this semester, along with some outreach on the side. We decided to rest this semester to a degree.
And I believe the reason I’m writing this out is to tell you that it’s OK to rest. It’s OK to take a season and stop, take your time and really listen to what the Holy Spirit is advising you on. There are seasons that seem like things just pile one on top of the other, every night is full of things to be done, and every weekend is stacked with responsibilities. There are others where silence is healing, and rest is happening to restore us to who we are in Christ. This past season—the first year of Judah’s life—took a lot out of J.T. and I. I questioned my identity for a while, and felt I’d lost some of it in new motherhood. I look back and I see where I allowed experiences, and lack of experiences, to define me. I recognize now that when I allowed those experiences to define me, I began to believe lies about who I was. I began to view myself through the lens of defeat and failure, instead of through love and victory. And let me just tell you, the Holy Spirit never left me. He never forsook me. He was always present, waiting, ready to help. But I don’t even think I knew I was drowning until He began to rescue me.
The Word says to “be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” (1 Peter 5:8) Coming out of a season where I was using alcohol to self medicate the pain of losing some of my independence, and grieving the life I had before Judah, and to distract me from the life I couldn’t wrap my head around now, I can tell you that this verse never rang more true. When my body changed, when another human relied on it for life, and when I was looking forward to ending my day with a cocktail or beer as a reward for getting through each day, I knew I wasn’t coping well. I remember searching for answers anywhere else but the Bible. And because I searched the earth and the natural for the answers to my issue, I continued on believing the lie that my life had changed and I wouldn’t be able to deal with the new responsibilities that came with it. Finally, crying out to the Lord for help, I stumbled across a spirit filled woman on Youtube who told the story of having her second child, and the major postpartum depression she dealt with. She described how she’d look forward to drowning her day in a bowl of ice cream and binge watching Netflix because it distracted her from dealing with her life, that it was easier to tap out than to tap in to Christ. And that struck me, because I’d been doing that exact thing.
As of October of last year, I no longer drink on week nights (except on maybe rare occasion), and I limit my alcoholic beverages on the weekend to no more than 2-3 total. I started getting back into the gym with the help of a friend to hold me accountable to work out a few times a week. The Lord began to encourage me to make some changes in my life for both my physical, and mental health, and I’m living, walking proof of His goodness, and His faithfulness to pull me up out of the muck. He started reminding me of what it was to be intentional with my time, with my body, and with my own personal growth. I hope that these words can encourage the same in you. You don’t have to stay in that place of fear, or denial, or struggling to cope with your life. You don’t have to live stressed, and always wondering what the next thing to go wrong will be. There is true FREEDOM in Christ Jesus. And I can tell you that He wants you to experience that freedom to the fullest—in every area of your life. I’m still learning all the ways I can be free in Him, and I praise Him daily as I discover another new area of freedom I didn’t know the day before. I pray the same for you, dear mamas, as we embark on this journey of growing in faith together.
All My Love, Abbey
Spirit Filled Mama 